Ope Pardon, No. 23: A Face That Knows Ben Affleck's Dunkin Order

Hot take (maybe?) but I wouldn’t be surprised if Ana de Armas wins an Oscar tonight.

I haven’t seen Blonde (more on that in a bit), nor have I read/heard any buzz that she would — it seems like Michelle Yeoh is the favorite to win (as she should be!) and Cate Blanchett the favorite to spoil, but I don’t know. Something about giving Ana de Armas the Oscar for Best Actress feels like the exact kind of curveball the Academy likes to throw when it aspires to be edgy but also spineless and uninspired.

I bring this up because there is something broken in my brain that makes it impossible for me to wrap my head around Ana de Armas as an actress and accept what is apparently a classic “incredible performance in a terrible movie” nomination.

There’s a variation of a tweet that goes around any time certain actors are cast in period pieces, notably Dakota Johnson, that asserts they are unbelievable in a particular role because they have the face of someone who has seen an iPhone.

I believe in this phenomenon. Yes, sometimes an actor’s performance defies casting doubts but largely I think there is something to the idea that certain people have … modern faces? There’s probably some vaguely if not outright eugenics-y reason that explains why we think a face looks like it’s seen an iPhone but that is an investigation for someone else.

In any case, that’s not my problem with Ana de Armas. I think she could theoretically sell life, laugh, loving (?) in the 1950s and ‘60s or whatever Blonde’s sadistic Marilyn Monroe story is all about.

My problem is that I am having trouble believing her as an actress, full stop. And I blame Ben Affleck for this, because this wasn’t a problem for me before 2020! Sure, I had only seen her in Knives Out before the pandemic hit so that’s not a huge sample size of “consistently good and convincing acting” but it’s not nothing.

Now, when I watch a trailer for any film she’s in, or I see her headshot next to casting news, I just simply cannot get my brain to move past “that is Ana de Armas, yes technically an actress but mostly a woman whose face and fame I have been unable to avoid since her first Dunkin Donuts date with Ben Affleck.”

Am I overreacting to a very bad trailer edit for a rom-com they apparently forgot to cast for chemistry and creating a tenuous tie to her (again, apparently well-earned!) Oscar nom? Possibly. All I am saying is it hit me this week that something in my brain broke in 2020 (well, lots of things broke in my brain in 2020) and for me, Ana de Armas has a face that knows Ben Affleck’s most secret Dunkin order and I cannot believe her in any role other than the one I saw on my feed for a year.

I do not know what to do with this information, besides share it with you all. I know it is unfair to her and also not a problem I have with other famously talented tabloid targets, including but not limited to Affleck himself.

I am loathe to hold a woman responsible for the crimes of a man so I am really going to try hard to continue to root for her and enjoy her films and hope it passes, but in the meantime, this is my cross to bear.

Other miscellaneous thoughts about the Oscars, which I guess is the theme of this newsletter now:

• Everything Everywhere All At Once rules and should win everything but I am not sure what we are doing with this Jamie Lee Curtis thing especially with Stephanie Hsu competing in the same category?? (I do know what we’re doing, no need to explain it to me, thanks.)

• Top of my list of Oscar-nominated movies I haven’t seen yet: Aftersun, RRR, Top Gun (!), Marcel the Shell With Shoes On.

• I’ve heard great things about Triangle of Sadness belonging in the pantheon of great entertainment about terrible rich people, however, I have also heard that there is a lot of vomiting and that is a non-starter for me. If anyone can attest to whether this is like, a Knives Out level of vomit or more of a Team-America-but-for-2-hours type deal, that would be helpful.

• It’s come to my attention that the boy band banger from Turning Red was not nominated for Best Original Song?? WHAT are we doing here. (This has sent me on a quick spiral that I may do some more research on and circle back to … but … stands to reason the Best Original Song category has at least partially devolved into an attempt to juice ratings by getting Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Rihanna, etc. to the ceremony rather than just the best original songs because Rihanna’s Black Panther song is…not it. And neither is Gaga’s. Shout out to the RRR nom though.)

Ok, have fun with the Oscars tonight. Shan’t be watching that live on a school night.

Next week (a new thing I’m trying to keep myself accountable): Poker Face and proximal relationships.